*MY DEEPEST POEM… MY DEEPEST STORY*

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***Hey beautiful Bloggers!***

I have been writing a lot of poetry recently.

I guess you could say I have been thinking

a lot… I have also been way more emotional

since giving up smoking and I guess that has

reflected in my thoughts too.

This is like a lot of short poems about some of

my life, kind of all combined into

one … Of course not all my life is in here!

There is a lot more poetry to share…

There is just as much badness as goodness in

my poetry but it’s good to get the bad out-of-the-way.

Save the best for last I guess…

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 I hope this can help

anyone who has been in the darkest places

I once was. I hope it gives people hope.

I was depressed once… I just didn’t see a

Doctor about it. Instead I helped myself.

But that was because I had such bad trust issues.

Had I seen a Doctor, things would have progressed

much faster I am sure… Learn from my mistakes!

If this is anything you can relate to in any way.

Seek help if you need it, never suffer in silence!

If your parents let you down, it’s hard to trust anyone.

I just want to help people who have ever

felt the way I did once when it all fell down.

I could be in a room with everyone that loves

me and still feel completely lonely at times.

For anyone who has ever felt like giving up.

DON’T!!!

NEVER GIVE UP!

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When I read the below poem back it makes me

realise just how hard I worked to get the life

I have now. Whilst it is not perfect and

family situations could be better.

MY life… It’s actually not so bad.

I was kicked out of School shortly after my

Mum & Dad got divorced, I was 14, I wasn’t bad.

I was just misunderstood and hurting.

All my friends parents were still together.

I had nobody to talk too that understood.

But it took everything in me to get back

into School fast, study and take my

exams, pass them all and do the best I

could to better myself, however many

obstacles came my way during that

very difficult time in my life.

I am very strong for what I went through.

There is no such thing as perfect.

We just have to make life the best we can.

It’s the things around me that I can’t control

that bother me most these days, whether friends

of family, I always care too much it seems.

So… In an act of bravery I want to share

some of my darkest secrets

with you. Through this poem.

Things were not always so,

happy, bubbly and colorful for the Vixen! 🙂

However happy and fun my blog appears to be at times.

I was a class clown for a reason.

I was good at making other people laugh.

You know what they say:

Tears of a clown…

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Troubled Haunting’s…

(Confessions of my past and present)

I lay awake some nights, times when anxiety strikes.

I cannot sleep a wink.

It’s like my minds just running wild,

my thoughts can’t seem to sink.

These nights are the very worst,

filled with panic, pain and fears…

My pillow is the only one witness I know

who has seen all these silent tears.

I sit and watch helpless, while my family falls apart.

Dads 3rd marriage,

Mum’s bad health and her not working,

my little brothers smoking,

It’s eating away more and more, every day at my heart…

If I had 3 wishes, I wouldn’t even use them on me.

I would simply use them all… To fix my broken family.

The day Dad left a piece of me went too.

I was cold for a while, didn’t cry for years,

I just didn’t know what to do.

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Daddy’s little Princess, left to fend for herself.

Daddy’s little Princess needed Daddy’s fucking help.

Watching my Mum fall apart was

the hardest thing to see, it was

even harder to deal with as she could not

be there for me.

I used to cut myself just to find some

kind of release… It was the most stupid and

dangerous thing I ever did but at the time,

the only thing that helped me sleep.

I never want to see anyone self harm,

It’s something I saw first when I was 9.

When my best friends Mum had cut her wrists,

It haunts me all the time.

I am not really scarred as I did

it to know that I was still alive.

I know I would not have done it,

if only I could have cried.

I did it to release some tension.

I did it to feel something real.

I did it until I stopped being cold,

I almost just did it to heal.

I couldn’t cry but I was wracked with pain,

I was so lost and inside I was dying.

But the tears wouldn’t flow until

Grandad died and I found

myself unable to stop crying.

I suffered in silence for years,

it changed who I was inside,

I can’t recall all the moments,

behind a drunken mask I would often hide.

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Sometimes I truly struggled,

my teen years were full of anger and pain.

Until one day I met this guy and

he took me away from all the rain.

I was 15, he was 17…

I had a chance to be normal once more

We fell in love but it couldn’t last as

somehow we both needed more.

He wanted to much of me, I was too young.

He was impatient and  wouldn’t wait.

I was in too deep and my heart was heavy

and with my issues, he couldn’t relate.

3 years later I had to say goodbye.

He was my first and biggest love.

I remember for weeks on end it seems

that all I did was cry.

To me he was like a God from above.

I started going off the rails and at 18

things became full of danger.

Sometimes I got so out of control,

a hazard to myself, even to me I

was like a stranger.

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I then met love number 2 and to this day I

don’t think I would be here now without him.

He saved me when I was at my lowest point

plus there was something so special about him.

3 and a half years we went along,

he helped me find the once lost me.

He saw me as an angel.

In his eyes there was only beauty.

He loved me more than anyone has

and cared for me like his own.

He would look after me when I fucked up.

We would talk for hours on the phone.

I started taking myself and life seriously.

I realised I needed to change.

I knew that I needed to grow up.

I knew that I needed to gain.

I started to address each issue,

life was quite new and strange,

I learned how to self develop.

I became a happy me again.

I worked my little ass off and we started to

drift apart. I was no longer his little girl broken,

I no longer really needed his heart.

He was sent to me to save me.

And this he did so very well.

But when you’ve become your own person.

You can no longer be treated like a little girl.

He found it hard to connect with me.

Once I started to rise to the top.

We loved each so other greatly.

But I had changed and somehow he forgot.

I didn’t need saving anymore,

I could do this thing called life.

I needed to do it alone now.

I couldn’t picture myself as his wife.

I knew we were becoming so distant.

His fatherly care I had outgrown.

His years and his wisdom had helped me.

But I needed to start again all alone.

So here I sit after love number 3,

a great job and a lot to live for.

When I look back at what I went through.

I realise I will always want to give more.

2013 it’s time for a change,

I want to find a new job I love.

If you love your job, then it’s not really work.

That is a gift from above.

I didn’t do this with tablets,

with therapy, I was sadly sometimes quite  misguided.

I looked inside myself for the answers.

Addressed issues, understood and confided.

Confided in me and kept this all secret,

there is a reason why I don’t show the real me.

Because if my  friends knew my real past heartache,

I would break their hearts too, they would feel me.

Vagenda Vixen

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When I was about 13 my Head of Year played the below song

in assembly… It has stuck with me ever since.

Please have a listen… It really got to me.

Tha is all for now on my honest and somewhat painful past.

Love always…

~Vagenda Vixen~

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15 comments

  1. christinasparxisnotawhore · · Reply

    Wow… This actually made me cry. Very brave post.

    1. Aww I am sorry… Well I hope not in a bad way! Yes it was emotional writin it but I feel like a massive weight has been lifted! 🙂

      1. christinasparxisnotawhore · ·

        Not at all… Just very touching blog! Keep it up, I think your blog is amazing! 🙂

  2. I love this genuine post. This is what everyone can relate to in some way or the other. I find you more beautiful than ever because now I know we share two things at minimum. Life and brokenness. Sheri

    1. What a beautiful comment, that really touched my heart… It was a brave one for me, one I have been holding back a while. That is the nicest comment I have read in a long time and thank you so much for touching my heart and following my blog, you’re a one of a kind mind… I can tell! VIxy

  3. petit4chocolatier · · Reply

    You have strength. Beautiful.

    1. Thank you so much! that means more then you’ll ever know.

  4. I have nominated you for the Shine On award, please go to: http://theothersideofugly.com/2013/01/07/shine-on-award/ and follow the SUPER SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS

    1. Wow! Me? That is like 4 awards in a few days I need to deal with them all soon! I am totally honored! Thank you so much I am truly grateful! As soon as I get a chance to deal with my awards it shall be done… So sweet of you!

  5. It really warms my heart to see so many people respond to my most personal post! 🙂

  6. I don’t think just ‘liking’ this is an appropriate response to this – don’t get me wrong i do like it but there’s so much more to it too. well done for getting through the tough times and continuing to fight any more that come your way 🙂

    1. Thank you so much… That is such a nice comment, honestly! Yeah it was pretty tough but hey I made it through and I am onto much bigger and better things! I will never give up and I want to help anyone that feels they might give up… Your message means a hell of a lot to me, they all do. Thanks again 🙂

  7. I have no clue who you are , but what you just did is amazing. To be able to let all that frustration out , wow . I hope you always remain this strong , its inspiring. 🙂

  8. Aw, this was a really good post. Finding the time and actual
    effort to make a top notch article… but what can I
    say… I hesitate a lot and never manage to get nearly anything done.

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment, I have just posted again so maybe you will like that too : )

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