***Hey beautiful Bloggers!***
I have been writing a lot of poetry recently.
I guess you could say I have been thinking
a lot… I have also been way more emotional
since giving up smoking and I guess that has
reflected in my thoughts too.
This is like a lot of short poems about some of
my life, kind of all combined into
one … Of course not all my life is in here!
There is a lot more poetry to share…
There is just as much badness as goodness in
my poetry but it’s good to get the bad out-of-the-way.
Save the best for last I guess…
I hope this can help
anyone who has been in the darkest places
I once was. I hope it gives people hope.
I was depressed once… I just didn’t see a
Doctor about it. Instead I helped myself.
But that was because I had such bad trust issues.
Had I seen a Doctor, things would have progressed
much faster I am sure… Learn from my mistakes!
If this is anything you can relate to in any way.
Seek help if you need it, never suffer in silence!
If your parents let you down, it’s hard to trust anyone.
I just want to help people who have ever
felt the way I did once when it all fell down.
I could be in a room with everyone that loves
me and still feel completely lonely at times.
For anyone who has ever felt like giving up.
NEVER GIVE UP!
When I read the below poem back it makes me
realise just how hard I worked to get the life
I have now. Whilst it is not perfect and
family situations could be better.
MY life… It’s actually not so bad.
I was kicked out of School shortly after my
Mum & Dad got divorced, I was 14, I wasn’t bad.
I was just misunderstood and hurting.
All my friends parents were still together.
I had nobody to talk too that understood.
But it took everything in me to get back
into School fast, study and take my
exams, pass them all and do the best I
could to better myself, however many
obstacles came my way during that
very difficult time in my life.
I am very strong for what I went through.
There is no such thing as perfect.
We just have to make life the best we can.
It’s the things around me that I can’t control
that bother me most these days, whether friends
of family, I always care too much it seems.
So… In an act of bravery I want to share
some of my darkest secrets
with you. Through this poem.
Things were not always so,
happy, bubbly and colorful for the Vixen! 🙂
However happy and fun my blog appears to be at times.
I was a class clown for a reason.
I was good at making other people laugh.
You know what they say:
Tears of a clown…
(Confessions of my past and present)
I lay awake some nights, times when anxiety strikes.
I cannot sleep a wink.
It’s like my minds just running wild,
my thoughts can’t seem to sink.
These nights are the very worst,
filled with panic, pain and fears…
My pillow is the only one witness I know
who has seen all these silent tears.
I sit and watch helpless, while my family falls apart.
Dads 3rd marriage,
Mum’s bad health and her not working,
my little brothers smoking,
It’s eating away more and more, every day at my heart…
If I had 3 wishes, I wouldn’t even use them on me.
I would simply use them all… To fix my broken family.
The day Dad left a piece of me went too.
I was cold for a while, didn’t cry for years,
I just didn’t know what to do.
Daddy’s little Princess, left to fend for herself.
Daddy’s little Princess needed Daddy’s fucking help.
Watching my Mum fall apart was
the hardest thing to see, it was
even harder to deal with as she could not
be there for me.
I used to cut myself just to find some
kind of release… It was the most stupid and
dangerous thing I ever did but at the time,
the only thing that helped me sleep.
I never want to see anyone self harm,
It’s something I saw first when I was 9.
When my best friends Mum had cut her wrists,
It haunts me all the time.
I am not really scarred as I did
it to know that I was still alive.
I know I would not have done it,
if only I could have cried.
I did it to release some tension.
I did it to feel something real.
I did it until I stopped being cold,
I almost just did it to heal.
I couldn’t cry but I was wracked with pain,
I was so lost and inside I was dying.
But the tears wouldn’t flow until
Grandad died and I found
myself unable to stop crying.
I suffered in silence for years,
it changed who I was inside,
I can’t recall all the moments,
behind a drunken mask I would often hide.
Sometimes I truly struggled,
my teen years were full of anger and pain.
Until one day I met this guy and
he took me away from all the rain.
I was 15, he was 17…
I had a chance to be normal once more
We fell in love but it couldn’t last as
somehow we both needed more.
He wanted to much of me, I was too young.
He was impatient and wouldn’t wait.
I was in too deep and my heart was heavy
and with my issues, he couldn’t relate.
3 years later I had to say goodbye.
He was my first and biggest love.
I remember for weeks on end it seems
that all I did was cry.
To me he was like a God from above.
I started going off the rails and at 18
things became full of danger.
Sometimes I got so out of control,
a hazard to myself, even to me I
was like a stranger.
I then met love number 2 and to this day I
don’t think I would be here now without him.
He saved me when I was at my lowest point
plus there was something so special about him.
3 and a half years we went along,
he helped me find the once lost me.
He saw me as an angel.
In his eyes there was only beauty.
He loved me more than anyone has
and cared for me like his own.
He would look after me when I fucked up.
We would talk for hours on the phone.
I started taking myself and life seriously.
I realised I needed to change.
I knew that I needed to grow up.
I knew that I needed to gain.
I started to address each issue,
life was quite new and strange,
I learned how to self develop.
I became a happy me again.
I worked my little ass off and we started to
drift apart. I was no longer his little girl broken,
I no longer really needed his heart.
He was sent to me to save me.
And this he did so very well.
But when you’ve become your own person.
You can no longer be treated like a little girl.
He found it hard to connect with me.
Once I started to rise to the top.
We loved each so other greatly.
But I had changed and somehow he forgot.
I didn’t need saving anymore,
I could do this thing called life.
I needed to do it alone now.
I couldn’t picture myself as his wife.
I knew we were becoming so distant.
His fatherly care I had outgrown.
His years and his wisdom had helped me.
But I needed to start again all alone.
So here I sit after love number 3,
a great job and a lot to live for.
When I look back at what I went through.
I realise I will always want to give more.
2013 it’s time for a change,
I want to find a new job I love.
If you love your job, then it’s not really work.
That is a gift from above.
I didn’t do this with tablets,
with therapy, I was sadly sometimes quite misguided.
I looked inside myself for the answers.
Addressed issues, understood and confided.
Confided in me and kept this all secret,
there is a reason why I don’t show the real me.
Because if my friends knew my real past heartache,
I would break their hearts too, they would feel me.
When I was about 13 my Head of Year played the below song
in assembly… It has stuck with me ever since.
Please have a listen… It really got to me.
Tha is all for now on my honest and somewhat painful past.