So I went out on Saturday in Central London
to a few bars and then we hit a club.
I got pretty drunk to be honest…
Not out of control drunk…
I actually handle my drink very well…
We hadn’t even planned to GO to a club on Saturday night at all
but like most great nights out, it just happened!
I met up with friends around 6:30pm
which was far to early a time,
for us all to start drinking.
We drunk double Vodka Redbull’s
all night and did more Jaeger Bombs,
then I care to remember!
I’m actually surprised I didn’t have a heart attack!
Needless to say, I spent the whole of yesterday,
in recovery being lazy with a duvet and TV,
even at the young age of 24
I don’t recover quite like I used too!
*HA-HA, NEVER… AGAIN!*
I had a great night though,
the drinks were flowing and I barely spent any money!
My thoughts were,
if I don’t buy that many drinks,
I won’t get too drunk.
Well let me tell you what a load
of bull shit that thought turned out to be!
The slower I drunk,
the more I had waiting for me on the table.
By the time we hit the club,
I knew I didn’t need anymore.
It didn’t stop me though did it?
We walked in on a private Hen Party
at the entrance of the club,
we went through the wrong door.
A male stripper eyed us and came frolicking towards us,
in his pants, like he was on crack,
I was truly petrified!
The “Hen” didn’t look too pleased
that our bewildered entrance,
had temporarily stole her thunder… Ha-ha!
We then turned giggling like kids
and ran up the stairs to the middle floor.
We decided not to venture down stairs again…
As the night went on, I was still drinking
and somehow still standing!
I thought some fresh air would do me good,
So I headed outside alone for a quiet smoke.
Well quiet was wishful thinking!
To say the least…
Things got interesting as always. = ]
Now I don’t know if this is normal… BUT
It happens to me a lot!
Ok… So let’s just say I am blessed in the chest.
I see no fascination with boobs, big, small, boobs are boobs!
Most women have them…
Even some men! Ew, gross…
When did it become so normal to have breast implants?
Furthermore… To touch strangers boobs?!
Breast implants are so normal now WTF!
I have met too many girls in the last 2 years between the
ages of about 18-25 who have had boob jobs,
it’s so weird, Christmas presents…
Birthday presents… It’s so bizarre!
These girls “The FB Crew”… (Fake Boobs)
They all say the same kind of things to me.
Now, I don’t know why I attract these girls so much.
I always seem to attract the loopy ones
whether male or female…
It always seems to happen to me.
Attractive people however usually!
But totally mental.
So I am just there about to smoke a cigarette in the
Smoking area of the club, when a tall overly made-up
girl approaches and excitedly yells:
“Wow, are those your boobs?!”
Confused I awkwardly mutter;
“Yeah, of course they are…”
(I will often look confused as the
whole breast implants thing is totally foreign to me!)
She then says;
“Wow, you’re so lucky, I had mine done 2 months ago!
Yours look great, they’re so round, I can’t believe they are real!”
Two words ladies:
Could have saved her quite a bit of money perhaps!
I am like “Oh right… Thanks?!”
I laugh awkwardly.
THEN… If that wasn’t bad enough…
She grabs my hand and forcefully,
applies it to her chest yelling;
“Feel them, mine are still quite hard!”
She means no harm and I can tell she has
had more to drink them me BUT,
before I can even process this, she then grabs my boobs…
WITH BOTH HANDS and SHOUTS;
“Em, come here and feel this girls boobs, I am so Jel,
they look fake but they’re not, they feel so nice!”
Jel- Short for jealous, if you didn’t know.
By the way this is in the Smoking Area,
not the ladies toilets…
There are other women and men all around us looking like
their eyes are about to leave their heads!
I don’t get embarrassed much,
even though I was quite drunk…
I was MORTIFIED as hell but I just thought,
fuck it, it’s happened now and so I went with it.
I wanted to run but I was in such shock,
for some reason I just froze, I should
have run when I had the chance…
Before I could blink I had 3 girls all
examining and feeling my boobs, in complete Awe…
Enough was enough, time to go inside.
I nervously laugh and try to make an escape;
“Girls, I really have to go in before my friends start to worry!?”
One of the girls yells;
“If you are ever in Essex darling,
take my number we will go out?!”
*In the UK, mainly London we call this:
Not a good look, however sweet it seems.
I could be any bi-polar nut-job for all she knew!
“I don’t have my phone and I don’t know my number!”
“It’s in your hand babe, ha-ha, how much have you had?!”
HOW FUCKING AWKWARD…
“So it is… well give me yours and I will text you mine later!”
I lie further.
Of course I didn’t text her but despite how weird and
awkward I found all this, they were actually really sweet
girls and I guess in their own little Essex way,
This was their way of saying Hello,
nice boobs let’s be friends.
That also happens a lot…
Apart from the total cringe fest, I had an amazing night…
Plus, I wouldn’t be able to share my boob grabbing story!
Pretend you don’t speak English,
Never underestimate the shock value of Essex girls,
Hide your boobs, or wear a top that says:
*DO NOT TOUCH*
Give up smoking,
If you can’t escape from them, join them!
Don’t walk the club alone!
It’s not the first time the Boob Grabber’s have striked…
I am sure it won’t be the last!
I wonder how many other busty females suffer with this?
That is all…